-“They have the clothes; it’s just that they wear them in private.”
--“What is that even supposed to mean, Louis?”
-“Oh come one, you know – they, they um… You know what I mean.”
--“Obviously.”
-“Seriously, Audrey, don’t give me that. You know exactly what I’m trying to say.
It’s not like I’m a bad guy – beside it was just a joke.”
--“…”
-“Don’t look at me like that. Come on Audrey, we already passed the guy, if I go back now I’ll look like a schmuk.”
--“…”
-“Fine, I’ll go give him a dollar or something. I’ll be right back… (not like it’ll make any difference. If we everyone gave their dollars to every bum they saw we’d all be on street corners.)
-“Hey, sir? Um, sir – where’d he… Fine, that’s just fine; I try to do a nice thing, be a nice guy and that useless shleper isn’t even hear for me to give him a dollar. Screw it! He’s probably gone back inside already ‘cause no one would give a penny. Uh-huh. He’s probably wearing his best suit, eating a sirloin…mmmm, a sirloin. Great, now I’m hungry… figures.
-“Hey.”
--“So… You give that vet something?”
-“Oh. Yeah, do I look like a schlemiel?”
--“Louis… More than a dollar, I hope.”
-“Audrey, I gave him everything I had.”
--“Good – oh, see those?
-“Uh-huh.”
--“Get me one?”
-“Hey, how much for the…ah, thingy…you know, right there?”
---“Two dollar.”
-“Here’s a five.”
--“Louis… everything, you said?”
-“…”
Well, I'm not a hundred percent happy with this post, I need to give it a lot more work but I can't...so here it is.
ReplyDeleteI do like, the discourse I have between Audrey and Louis, but I often find that I understand my dialogues because I know exactly how they sound (intonations and whatnot), but I'm never sure if others can figure that out as well.
One thing that I tried to do was to have no names listed outside of dialogue, so a came up with a system of dashes to denote the speaker (one for Louis, two for Audrey, three for the other guy), I think it turned out pretty well.
Interesting piece. Seems to take a bit to get going, as if it's not sure what it's about, but then moves along rapidly. The graphic representation using dashes is maybe a bit too subtle to make an impression on the reader. It may seem more like a mistake, and that gets a bit wrapped up with the other, more obvious typos here. Rather, it's more effective to be sure voices are distinct from each other, and I think you accomplish this, along with the timely insertion of names.
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