--I don’t want to eat this. It don’t look good.
--You ordered it
--It sounded better on the menu.
--Just try a bite.
--I don’t want to try it. It looks like cat sick.
--Gross! You might not want to eat your dinner, but everyone else does.
--If you’re so hungry why don’t you eat me?
--Alex! Goddamn it, can’t we have one family dinner out without your filthy mouth?
--You’re one to talk. Who do you think I got it from?
--Just eat the damn chicken.
--Dad, can we get dessert?
--Whatever you want, pumpkin. It’s your day.
--Hey! That’s mine!
--You know how to share.
--Alex, I swear to God-!
--Sir, I’ll need to ask you to lower your voice. You’re disturbing the other customers.
--Yeah, dad, they can’t enjoy their $17 salads.
--Dad! He got his germs on my food!
--Goddamn—Can I get the check please?
--We haven’t finished eating yet.
--I thought you didn’t want to eat it. Put on your coat. We’re leaving.
--Dad--!
--Amy, would you be quiet for one minute?
--…
--Amy…
--Oh that’s just great. Make her cry. Best. Dad. Ever!
--Shut up, Alex! I’ve had enough out of you! Amy, stop crying. We’ll get ice cream on the way home, how’s that?
--You s-said we could have dessert here!
--God give me strength.
…
--How did it go?
--Your son is a terror.
--Why is he only my son when he acts up? You always blame me--!
--I’m not blaming you!
--And then you get defense.
--I’m not defensive!
--See? You’re being defensive.
The biggest problem I had in regard to economy was the decision to break this up into two conversations. Trying to stretch the first one into 300 words felt forced, but the first version of the second was well over the appropriate word count. I decided to stick with two conversations, and to make the second one more brief.
ReplyDeleteA good decision on the second conversation, but yes, I see the limitations. It definitely feels less developed, less penetrating than it could be. Maybe one solution would be to make Dad's response to the opening question not an answer, but a challenge, something directed at an underlying problem. And Mom's question could also be something else, a statement, or a question, not about the dinner, but, again, opening the door to a deeper problem. That is, the second conversation feels a little hamstrung by trying to continue the previous scene, so the piece doesn't advance as it could.
ReplyDelete