Maria: I had hoped that this wouldn’t be another story.
Rhonda: What do you expect? She asked us in to hear her recite for literature night .
Maria: Well, I had hoped that she would have come up with a soliloquy about spring or a sexy short story. Look at her up there. It’s so pathetic.
June: Once upon a time in a land far away, there lived a girl with long hair and starry eyes . . .
Maria: Let me guess. Her name was June.
Rhonda: Shut up and try to look supportive. This is our little sister we’re talking about. When was the last time you stood up in front of a group and let them pick apart your work?
Maria: Alright fine. Humph—the things I do for family.
June: Umm. Where was I? Oh yes. She met the most amazing prince. He had a rugged look with eyes as blue as the September sky. Poor June didn’t have a chance. She was already in love . . .
Rhonda: Original. I bet they get married and walk off into the sunset because running would be too dangerous for fairytales.
Maria: I thought we were being supportive.
Rhonda: We are, but this story sounds exactly like the past 400 that she’s made us sit through.
Maria: Give it another 5 minutes. She’s about to get to the part where the man whore leaves her for another pair of big boobs.
June: Little did the girl know that her virtuous prince had been stolen away by an evil enchantress. She waited for years before gathering the courage to go find him. When June discovers her lost love, she is shocked by what he has done . . .
Rhonda: I wonder why she always forgives the cheating bastard in the story.
Maria: Didn’t you know?
Rhonda: What happened?
Maria: Glen cheated on her while she was pregnant with Madeleine! She only stayed with him because she couldn’t bring herself to leave the father of her child.
Rhonda: Oh my God. That’s why the girl in the story always forgives the cheating bastard. Glen—that cheating bastard. When I get my hands on him . . .
Maria: Wait. Listen.
June: The vile prince begged and pleaded to be let back into the girl’s life, but the girl turned her back and walked away forever. She would no longer be under the sway of those who mistreated her. And she lived happily ever after.
Maria and Rhonda: I can’t believe she finally did it!
I apologize for going over the word limit. I couldn't cut the story down and have it retain the meaning.
ReplyDeleteAs I suggested in class, I like how you've tried to layer this piece, with foreground and background voices. I think you can trust your reader a bit more and make the sisters' dialogue more like that of people who know the situation. That would help to make their exchange sound more natural. For example, the one seems to know nothing about Glen's cheating. But this ignorance seems invented so that we readers can be told about it. Their reaction to her change is strange, too. They keep their surprise and pleasure to themselves, but why not tell June? Why not console her or congratulate her?
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