“Please, Lord, just take me!” I wailed, throwing myself down against a rock, letting my backpack cushion me. Not for the first time, I wondered what mental lapse had led me to agree to this hike.
James, who had continued on the trail, realized I was not following and stalked back to where I lay, panting on the rock.
“What are you doing?”
“Resting.”
“Resting? You just rested ten minutes ago. Do you realize what time it is?” He pulled a map from his pocket and shoved it under my nose. “It’ll be dark in a couple of hours, and look at how much further we have to go. Besides it’s all downhill now, so its easy.”
My calves, throbbing in pain, begged to differ.
He offered me a hand. I accepted begrudgingly, and as he pulled me up, I noticed from beyond his shoulder a flash of red further off in the woods.
“Look! Is that a car?”
James turned and his gaze followed my pointing finger into the brush. Puzzled, he looked down at his map.
“It can’t be a car. I don’t think they’re any roads near here.”
“No,” I replied, “it’s most definitely a car.”
Excited by the prospect of discovery, I walked off the path and picked my way through the undergrowth towards the red spot, ignoring James’ attempts to call me back. As I approached what proved to be a red sedan, I noticed there were oddly no signs of rust or decay anywhere. Cupping my hands around my eyes, I leaned forward to peer through a tinted window. Almost immediately I threw myself backwards, tripping over a fallen limb in my hurry. I fled to the path, covering myself in cuts which went unnoticed to the cold dread that filled my stomach.
I approached this exercise by first writing what I wanted to write, and then, editing to see what needed to be removed to remain within the 300 word limit. I found this particularly helpful as it made me realize what was and what was not essential in conveying the point of the story.
ReplyDeleteNice job, Kasey. The opening paragraphs set a great scene, quite deftly, and the dialogue seems natural. I love the introduction of the car, an odd element that seems a little alarming. I think I wonder, though, why the narrator wants to be rescued just at that point. I know she's tired, but it seems a leap. And while the mystery of what's inside is intriguing, the current end of the piece seems less final, as it were, than preparing for the next passage. So, that said, even while it remains ambiguous, the encounter with the car can provide an even more definitive close here.
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